Just wanna Know What's Wrong...

2005-01-22T23:50:00.000-08:00

Was just reading through my husband's blog and the comments posted.. Few thoughts ran through my mind.. N probably feeling a bit lonely alone at home, husband asleep, can't sms or talk to him on e phone.. So decided to try writing my feelings here.. Need to stress that I'm not angrry or sad when I wrote all these, so don't misunderstand..

Touched to see many pupils (whom my husband consider as friends) posting their comments and encouraging him.. Felt like adding a comment there, to thank these pupils and add my comments.. But need to sign up as member first.. Since so, I've got my own blog, so might as well write all feelings here..

Dunno why.. But just feel that my husband will be very happy and encouraged by those comments posted.. Be it, cos of the things said or cos of the pple saying so.. I know I haven't been able to give much support and care in this "down" period when he felt failure.. Not that I don't want to do so, or have not done anything, but cos I dunno how to say those very encouraging stuff, or phrase my thoughts in those manners that will appeal to him, or that he will like.. Dunno cos it's cos of me (the first impression is bad that I can't care, I dunno how to say things in a nice and encouraging way) or cos of the way I show care, that isn't the style he likes or feels is care (like waking up early every Sun morning to call him to wake him up, sms him to keep him company till it starts.. Waiting up for him to finish every Tue nite, to chat to him on the journey home.. Maybe all these are not care.. Or they r actually nuisances, hindering him from spending time with his family or disrupting his rest on the way)

Sometimes, just feel so miserable.. Like don't really know what he prefers me to do.. Also always feel he's happier to hear words from his pupils, n not me., even if we could be referring to the same things, but maybe phrase in very different ways and use different tones of speech.. It's sad for a spouse to be compared to a pupil, esp when it's so much more positive things about the pupils and negative things about the spouse.. Not that I mind being put down or I feel inferior or jealous, but felt I'm not taught how to be better and not given the chance to 'redeem' myself.. Maybe "first impression lasts", the thought of me being angry easily has been so traumatic in his mind that it can never be changed. So to "play safe", he rather keep his feelings (esp negative coments about me and the way I do things or things that I've done, etc.) all to himself.. I will never know how exactly he is feeling and when he is telling me the truth and when he is just telling me "politically right " things that may just please me, whether or not it is true...

Just like today.. I have very mixed feelings when I got him to go out with me with my group of friends.. I know he don't really like going out with this group of friends (or all my friends?), so thought of not getting him along.. But, if I don't ask him along, in the long run, he may just isolate himself from my friends and I may be trapped in situations in future, to go on my own or to force him to come along? In either cases, they are not ideal or even awkward for me. I am at a loss... Sometimes, I feel I am super demanding and unreasonable, in his eyes, to make him come along with me, though he don't like it, and worse still, he is tired and bored and neglected by me.. I feel bad that he was so hungry and I didn't know so (cos he didn't explain or say so to me earlier that he didn't manage to grab some food, as what was previously said in the phone)... Again, I've negleced him.. He's bored, so he started deleting messages from his handphone... I wonder what could I have done in that time, that would make him feel happier and that I care... (But I can only continue wondering my whole life, unless he is willing to tell me so, after reading all these)... When he wants to go back first, I am controlling his life again, in his view, when I asked him to stay a while more, or to at least say goodbye to my friends... I dunno, to me that's basic courtesy (rather then just vanishing suddenly and I've to do the explanations / answeting of queries).. But to him, maybe I'm fussy and troublesome; I control his life; I give him no freedom; I give him stress...

Many a times, I say sorry in my sms, if I feel he is unhappy, negleced, etc. Or I say I sense he is not happy. Hoping that he would reply / respond to the sms, to say if he is unhappy or not; how he feels; etc. But I usually get no reply.. Or sms that do not address those issues at all.. That always leave me feeling very bad, as I would jump to the conclusion that his response/ feelings is " Ya, u already know I unhappy, yet did nothing about it, so what's the point of saying sorry?" or " I don't wish to talk about this issue as I only have bad or negative things to say about you, and I don't like saying anything not positive, so I'm keeping quiet or ignoring it" or watever... But non of the conclusions are positive / healthy for the relationship.. My hope of him telling me the truth / responding to those sms never comes true... So have been leading a life of endless guessing, which may or may not be right, but definitely unhealthy for my perception of the relationship, and usually affecting each other's mood towards each other.

Really hope he reads my feelings, knows who he is, and will respond to some of the comments I made (to clarify where I am right and where I am wrong, to clear up some misconceptions, and hopefully lead to better communication and understanding..

If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't have bothered much about how he feels and whether or not he communicates with me or ignore me.. I also wouldn't feel miserable and sad or down whenever he doesn't reply to such msg that I m not feeling good about some issues that happened... Love is hard to understand.. Does love entail more happiness or sadness? Can unhappiness in a relationship just be brushed away (by ignoring or avoiding to talk about it) or be covered by happiness (by just thinking of the happy times and ignoring the unhappy ones)?

Tay

Just wanna Know What's Wrong...